She was 22 at the time and Clinton was 49.
"I remember looking out the window and thinking the only way to fix this was to kill myself, to jump out the window", Lewinsky says in an upcoming A&E special. On why she chose to participate, Lewinsky released an essay noting the timing is right to tell her story.
It was then that the Gap garment was soiled, although Lewinsky said she did not realize what had happened until later on.
Two decades after the scandal, Lewinsky says she still would like to apologize to Clinton's wife, Hillary, if the opportunity were to ever present itself. "As I passed [communications director] George Stephanopoulos' office, I kind of looked into the open doorway, and Bill happened to be standing there, and he motioned me in", she recollects. "You can read Lewinsky's entire Vanity Fair piece, titled "'Who Gets to Live in Victimville?': "Why I Participated in a New Docu-Series on The Clinton Affair", here. "None of these people said to me, 'Hey, you've got to go to the bathroom, you've got stuff all over your dress, '" Lewinsky said in "The Clinton Affair", a new A&E series.
The interviews also made her confront her grief, something she initially thought was depression. "Grief for the pain I caused others".
In her essay, she wrote that within the past year, she noticed that the former president began getting tougher questions "about what transpired". "As it so often does, power throws a protective cape around the shoulders of the man, and he dictates the spin by denigrating the less powerful woman". Was I owed a direct apology from him?
When Lewinsky spoke of how she cooperated with the Federal Bureau of Investigation over the affair, she recalled "I felt so much guilt, and I was terrified" as she was being questioned. Bill's indignant answer: "'No'".
"I know that I would summon up whatever force I needed to again acknowledge to her-sincerely-how very sorry I am".
"I don't talk about this very often, and I still feel uncomfortable talking about it because I think it's not as if it didn't register with me that he was the president, obviously it did", she said. "I'm less disappointed by him, and more disappointed for him".
The documentary follows her relationship with the former president from her days in the White House until today and many have speculated as to why she chose to bring all of this up now, on television, no less.
"What feels more important to me than whether I am owed or deserving of a personal apology is my belief that Bill Clinton should want to apologize", Lewinsky wrote. "He would be a better man for it. and we, in turn, a better society".